


grief in reverse

by goldcoulee



Series: the long side of loving [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Pining, Useless Lesbians, crystal knows how to play a guitar, pining! gigi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24913591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldcoulee/pseuds/goldcoulee
Summary: Gigi Goode was in love with her best friend. Maybe it started just now, maybe since forever.The five stages of grief is how you get over a person; Gigi goes through it backwards, learning how it is to keep someone instead.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Nicky Doll & Gigi Goode
Series: the long side of loving [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802848
Comments: 12
Kudos: 67





	grief in reverse

**i. acceptance**

_Shit._

That was the first thought.

Gigi blinked. Her eyes soon resting on a cross-legged girl sitting in front of her, guitar cradled in arms, face twisted with concentration, trying to remember the chords to a song. The room filled with gentle music as Crystal started playing a song Gigi forgot the words to.

_Shit._

Her chest tightened again, a different type of heaviness this time. It happened so many times before, yet she always paid it no mind. Nothing was wrong then, really, trust her.

It started with Crystal’s smile, it became a little too blinding when she smiled at Gigi while the first snow fell softly around them.

Then it was the ghost of Crystal’s touch after they held hands, a hug that lingered for a second too long, a kiss on the forehead too delicate to forget.

It was Crystal shyly looking downwards as she showed Gigi the clothes she found one time they went thrift shopping.

_God, it was Crystal._

The music stopped, Crystal lowered her guitar when she noticed her best friend looking dazed.

“Gi,” the girl spoke in a voice so gentle you could miss it, “hey, what’s wrong?”

All of Gigi’s thoughts flew out the window, she blinked, her eyes meeting with her friend’s worried ones.

Gigi’s heart skipped a beat.

_Oh._

Gigi adjusted her glasses before answering, “Nothing.”

“You’re lying.”

“What?”

“You always fiddle with your glasses when you’re trying to lie, Gigi.” Crystal has Gigi memorized, twelve years of friendship really does something to you.

The younger girl chuckled, taking of her glasses, “No, really, it’s nothing. Everything’s fine. Yeah.”

_But everything’s going wrong._

Crystal shrugged, bowing her head again as she continued playing her guitar. A mellow hum replaced the silence flooding the room.

Gigi stared at the blue-haired girl in front of her, her heart beating erratically in her chest now.

_Oh._

_Gigi Goode was in love with her best friend. Maybe it started just now, maybe since forever._

_Gigi Goode is in love with Crystal Elizabeth Methyd._

_Shit._

* * *

**ii. depression**

Gigi started wearing contacts after that.

The next time Crystal sees Gigi, her brown eyes clashed with icy blue for a little bit too long. Gigi was the first one to look away.

She waved at the younger girl, making a beeline to her across the hall. Gigi waved back then quickly sped off—practically running—towards Nicky to her next class.

The smile on Crystal’s face faltered, her chest feeling a little bit heavier. _Weird._

Gigi was really acting weird that day; she would avoid Crystal’s eyes and sit with Nicky in every class instead of her. Sometimes, she would catch the other girl’s eyes staring at her and she would smile a tight-lipped smile and look away again.

Crystal isn’t the type to be possessive over her friends, she acknowledges that the younger girl also has other friends than her. But Gigi was acting so different today, it felt like she was _avoiding_ her.

After a painful hour of calculus, Crystal rushed to the cafeteria, hoping to catch Gigi there. She found the blonde sitting at their usual table with Jackie, Nicky, Jan, and Jaida. She braced herself, put on her usual smile (they don’t need to know something was wrong), and walked towards their table.

Gigi met her eyes as she was nearing them, she whispered something to Nicky and stood up. Her head bowed down as she walked out from the cafeteria.

Crystal sat down next to Jackie, her smile gone and a sigh coming out of her lips. The four other girls looked at her worriedly, her usual sunshine was clouded today.

“Where did Gigi go?” she asked.

“She told me she had to go the restroom, Crys.” Nicky noticed Crystal’s frown deepen as she answered, “What happened?”

Crystal felt tears threatening to spill, she bit her lip to try to stop it, “Did I do something wrong? Did she tell you anything?”

Jackie squeezed her shoulder in an attempt of comfort, “She was quiet the whole time she was here. Did you two fight?”

The redhead buried her face in her hands in frustration, “I don’t know either! She’s been avoiding me the whole day, I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Mon cherie, don’t worry,” Nicky assured her, “I’ll go talk to her about it, okay?”

Crystal could only nod, a few more words and her tears would go off.

_Something was wrong, what did she do?_

***

Gigi closed the door of the restroom behind her with a sigh.

She walked to the mirror and stared at her reflection, tears threatening to fall down her face.

She saw her best friend’s pained and confused expression when she looked back their table before walking away. It hurt looking at her like that, it hurt even more knowing she caused it.

_Emotions suck, they are the worst._

Knowing Crystal, the girl was probably thinking that she did something wrong, blaming herself for something that was Gigi’s fault.

Letting out a shaky breath, she washed her face in the sink and tried to get her bearings.

Staring again at her reflection, her heart tightened again at the thought of Crystal.

Her feelings for the blue-haired girl was slowly ruining the friendship they so carefully built. She was jeopardizing her friendship with Crystal because she longs for something more now.

She doesn’t know what to do, she was bad at lying. She knew it within herself that she can’t stop her feelings for the girl, because she knew that maybe she’s been in love with her since forever.

_Gigi could only cry now._

* * *

**iii. bargaining**

Gigi has been walking home alone for two weeks now.

All the while, she never tried to fix things with Crystal. Always looking down every lunchtime when Crystal would sit near her, always speeding out the gates after classes so the other girl can’t catch up with her. She thought weak, tight-lipped smiles and small waves from across the room would be enough for her—for the both of them. Gigi knew the truth, _it didn’t._

Gigi was too weak—too much of a coward—to face Crystal and tell her why. So, she did the next best thing she could do, avoid her.

If only Gigi was a little bit more courageous, she could still stay by Crystal’s side. She knew she wasn’t, she knew that just one look from the girl will make her feelings escape from her lips. Gigi can’t risk that.

She was nearing her destination when a shiver ran down her spine. She saw a familiar figure of a blue-haired person when she turned the corner to the stairs of her house.

_Crystal._

“Gi—.”

Her heart raced and a ghost of a tear threatened to form in her eyes. Not daring herself to listen—to look back—she quickly opened her door to enter. Before Gigi closed the door, her blue eyes met with brown, _and she swore she saw the familiar glint of tears blinked back._

Gigi ran up the stairs to her room. Slamming the door behind her, she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

Her mind barely registered what happened a while ago, and when it did, Gigi buried her face in her hands as her back slid down her room’s door. A sob broke out from her mouth.

_She fucked up. Crystal hated her now._

_She would give everything to bring everything back. She would risk anything if it meant not risking whatever they had._

_God, she would give up on her feelings if it meant staying with Crystal forever._

***

Gigi woke up two hours later feeling like shit. She passed out crying in a fetal position on her bedroom floor. Memories of what transpired earlier came back to her and her chest sunk again.

She stood up and proceeded to plop down on her bed, the weight of her action caused a picture frame to fall from her nightstand with a soft _thud_. She rose up to inspect whatever it is that fell.

Her heart sank when she noticed it was a certain glittered picture frame. Gigi bent over and picked it up, her head swimming with nostalgia.

Inside the frame was a picture of her and Crystal, both of them smiling wide (even if Gigi’s teeth looked weird with the braces). Crystal cradling her guitar in one hand and the other embracing the other girl in a one-armed hug.

Gigi received the frame during her twelfth birthday, the picture inside was developed from Crystal’s negatives films. It was a four-year-old picture, but Gigi remembered that day like it only happened yesterday. 

She sighed with relief when she saw that the frame didn’t shatter, she carefully placed it back her nightstand—her fingers slowly tracing the outline of the frame.

An idea crossed her mind. Maybe, just maybe.

If the frame didn’t shatter, then maybe Gigi could still salvage whatever’s left of her relationship with Crystal before it truly shatters. She could try and sit next to Crystal in every class they have together, she could try and talk to her again when they sit by their usual table at lunchtime, she could try—she will try—to save whatever they have.

With renewed hope springing in her chest, Gigi fell back on her bed, mustering up all the courage she could get.

***

Gigi, for the life of her, cannot pick up the courage to walk towards Crystal and sit with her. So when another person took the seat beside Crystal, she gave up and went back to sit with Nicky, pouting and complaining about it all the while.

Nicky rolled her eyes in annoyance, “For fuck’s sake, Gigi, it’s just a chair.”

“But it’s my chair, we sit together there!”

“You’ve been sitting beside me since last last week, bitch. Sit beside her at lunch, I’ll move next to Jackie.”

Gigi’s face lit up at that, shooting an air kiss towards her friend, she went back to her bloody calculus worksheet.

When the bell rang, Gigi hoped lunchtime is not too late.

_She was an hour too late._

Walking towards her friends, Nicky shot her an apologetic look when Gigi noticed a certain blue-haired girl was missing from their table. She convinced herself that Crystal was not avoiding her back, maybe she was just at the restroom, or was just running late as she usually is.

She sat next to Jan, “Is Crystal here?”

“She’s over there,” Jan pointed somewhere, “with her art friends, she told us they’re supposed to work on something.”

Following where Jan pointed, she found Crystal at a table near the windows, with Daegen, Daya, and Lux. Her hands moving in an exaggerated manner as she told a story while the other three were laughing.

Her heart clenched, she missed the girl’s big smile and contagious laughter, Crystal has kept a straight face since Gigi started avoiding her, small laughter then and there, but that was it.

It pained Gigi knowing that Crystal started being happy again after she moved away from their table—away from Gigi. Her avoidance had hurt Crystal, maybe the girl hated her now.

“Girl! Gigi,” Jaida called her from across the table, “child, are you okay? You look like you’ve witnessed the sky fall.”

_Maybe she did, the whole world, even._

Gigi snapped from her self-pitying, noticing the girls looking at her worriedly.

“Oh! Yeah, yeah!” Gigi smiled while shaking her head, “I’m good, don’t worry.”

She knew she convinced everyone at the table that she was okay except for one; Nicky looked at her with an eyebrow up as she subtly shook her head at the blonde girl. Gigi rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at the French girl.

Gigi looked at Crystal from tables away, a heavy feeling perching on her chest. She swore she saw Crystal’s eyes meet hers, her smile fading, before she broke eye contact and continued laughing at a story Daegen was recalling. _It stung._

Gigi would give up everything to have Crystal back, because her absence hurt more than anything else did.

_Her feelings jeopardized everything. If she stopped herself from falling, would Crystal still be there?_

* * *

**iv. anger**

Nicky lost count of how many times her friend had said ‘Crystal’.

“She’s avoiding me, Nicky! I don’t know why!”

Nicky laughed, “You should know, bitch, you started it. Your grand plan of trying again was a little bit too late.”

“She should’ve let me try…” Gigi grumbled, folding her arms over her chest.

“You’re being immature, you know?”

Gigi shot a glare at the French girl, “Why is it me?”

“Crystal gave you a whole week, why does it sound like it’s her fault?”

Gigi responded with a groan, lying on the bed face first. Nicky stared at the girl with an amused glint in her eyes, she knows exactly what was up, Gigi was also shit at hiding her feelings, so that was that.

“You like Crystal.”

“I’m not…”

“It’s not a question, Gigi.”

“I don’t!”

“You are.”

“I’m in love with her,” Gigi clears it up, “is it obvious?”

Nicky shook her head, “I think I just know you a little better than Jan and the others.”

“I’m so stupid.”

Nicky stood up and went to hug her friend, Gigi was looking down, picking at her fingers.

“I hate this, I feel so angry.”

Nicky furrowed her eyebrows, “At Crystal?”

“At myself,” Gigi hugged her knees, tears forming in her eyes, “I could never hate her, even if I tried.”

Gigi started again, “I hate myself for wanting more with her, I should’ve just stayed content with everything we have.

“Now she hates me, she’s never going to talk to me again. I lost her, now all I have are these stupid feelings.”

Nicky held the heartbroken girl for a while, rubbing small circles on her shoulders for comfort. She has seen all this before, seen all that destruction, the same amount of tears, almost the same internal chaos. That was almost four—five?—years ago, with a certain small, young, browned-hair girl.

“You should tell her.”

“Crystal?”

Nicky nods.

“What if she doesn’t like me back? She’ll avoid me forever…”

“At least you tried,” she pulls her friend up, “it won’t change a thing with her, just stop avoiding her. She looked so miserable the whole time you detached yourself. Just try, okay?

Give your feelings a chance, Gigi.”

_Gigi supposes a chance wouldn’t hurt._

* * *

**v. denial**

Crystal can’t get the strings right. Her mind was too clouded, too distracted, to play anything. Her head too filled with icy blue, brown, and blonde. Too filled with a certain girl. Too filled with _Gigi. Gigi. Gigi._

Putting down her guitar with a sigh, she lied down on her bed, stared at the ceiling for whatever felt like forever, thinking back on what happened today. Her own avoidance didn’t really help with anything. Her memory dug up Gigi’s eyes gazing back at her, how she tried to brush it off by laughing at a joke Daegen made. It never left her mind, though.

Crystal groaned. _Gigi, Gigi, Gigi, Gigi, Gigi._ She had to stop.

Her doorbell ringing snapped her out of her thoughts. Who could that be at this hour? Definitely not her parents, they’re supposed to be out for a day or three. Another ring.

“I’m coming!” Crystal hurriedly ran down the stairs to open the door, “Who is it?”

The sight of familiar blonde and brown eyes—no more icy blue—greeted her when she opened her door.

“Hi…” Crystal willed her heart to stop beating too loud, “Gigi.”

The taller girl shuffled in her olive green sweater, a hand fixing her glasses, “Hey.”

“Are you okay? What brings you he—“

Before the girl could finish her question, a familiar and comforting scent of lilac—Gigi’s cologne—enveloped her. Just like that, her senses were filled once again with _Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi._

_This. Crystal missed this. This was comfort—God, this is home._

A broken sob fell from the blonde’s lips, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

The girl’s crying alarmed Crystal, “Hey, it’s okay…” her hand ran across the girl’s hair repeatedly—their way of comfort, “it’s okay, baby.”

“I’m sorry…”

Crystal pulled away from the hug, put a stray strand of hair behind Gigi’s ears and smiled, “It’s okay, do you wanna go to my room?”

_Damn that smile, damn everything about Crystal,_ Gigi thinks, _who wouldn’t fall in love?_

Gigi only smiles before Crystal grabbed her hand and pulled her to her room.

They burst out giggling when the door closed; Crystal picked up her guitar and sat down on her bed, the other girl sitting on the carpeted floor. They chatted over random nothings, laughing over things that happened the last few weeks, Crystal playing her guitar while Gigi kept looking at her too many times now. They bounced right back even after what happened between them, Gigi suddenly thought not to confess right now. She could bask in this warmth, stay like this forever.

Crystal laid down the guitar on her bed, “I’ve been meaning to ask though,” looking at Gigi with those same sad eyes, “what happened?”

“Nothing…” Gigi’s hand flew to her glasses.

“You’re lying again,” Crystal laughed a little sadly, her hand touching her own glasses, “I see through you, remember?”

“I don’t really know, Crys. I just felt… something, I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

There was a look on Crystal’s eyes, but it was gone before Gigi could think of it, “Felt what...?”

The other girl held Crystal’s gaze for a beat, then shrugged, “I don’t know. Can we talk about something else?”

Crystal smiled, the same kind that brought sunshine, the one Gigi loved.

“We don’t have to talk at all.”

***

They didn’t talk for some time after that, Crystal was playing her guitar, Gigi scrolling through her phone—sometimes staring at the girl across her.

“Hey, Crys, sing me a song.”

“What should I play, then?”

“Anything you like.”

Crystal thought for a while, and then her face lit up. A small smile danced across her lips as she started playing. Gigi knows the words to this one, her heart skipping a beat when she realized it was a love song. Sometimes, Crystal would mouth the lyrics as she played.

_Sometimes, too, she would look up and smile a tight-lipped smile at Gigi. Gigi’s heart can’t stop screaming every time._

Then the music ended, and it was a long silence after that. It was quiet for too long so Gigi looked up at the girl, seeing her resting her head on her guitar, her shoulders slightly shaking. _Crystal was crying._

_Crystal cried all the time, sure; but she never cried after any argument with her friend, Gigi was always the one to cry. They had a fight that lasted for a whole month; Crystal was all smiles when they made up, comforting the other girl that kept on crying and apologizing._

“Crystal,” Gigi stood up from the floor to sit beside Crystal on her bed, “hey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Crystal kept silent, all that Gigi heard was just the sound of sobs wracking the small girl’s body.

Gigi moved nearer the girl, pried the guitar off her hands, and hugged her tight. Her hand brushing through Crystal’s blue hair, noticing the brown roots that were slowly appearing.

Knowing that Crystal won’t probably say anything, “You don’t have to say anything,” she kept running her hands through blue hair, “I’m here, it’s okay…”

They stayed like that for a long time, Crystal slowly calming down, she stopped crying soon after. Gigi pulled away from the hug, still looking worriedly because Crystal still kept on looking down. She only nodded when Gigi asked her if she was feeling better.

“Gi…” Crystal started in a voice so quiet the silence almost drowned it out.

Gigi only replied with silence, waiting for what the girl will say.

“Gi,” she took a deep breath, eyes still downcast, “I love you.”

“Aww, Cryssie,” Gigi smiled at her friend, “I love you too, you dork.”

Crystal finally looked up, “No…”

“Huh?”

Crystal laughed then chewed on her bottom lip.

_“Gigi, I love you.”_

It took a few more moments for Gigi to realize it meant a different weight.

_Oh._

Gigi can’t will herself to believe. She denied what she heard. Crystal doesn’t love her back, _no._

“No, you don’t.”

“Why?” Crystal looked at her with disbelief, a frustrated smile on her lips, “I do.

“Since you grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the grade school bullies, since you smiled at me from across the principal’s desk, since I told you my name, since you told me yours. Since forever.

_“I love you, Gigi. God, I really do.”_

Gigi was quiet, _no, she doesn’t._

“It’s okay if you don’t though,” Crystal assured her, “I understa—”

Crystal couldn’t finish when Gigi grabbed both of her hands, “No! I…”

_“I love you too, Crystal.”_

“Since when?”

“Since forever…”

Crystal smiled at her, “No, you don’t.”

Gigi only smiled back.

_She’s still denying everything for some reason, but this was fine. If she’s dreaming it all up, she can live with that._

But when Crystal came closer, her face an inch away from hers, her doubts dwindled.

When Crystal, in the gentlest way possible, asked Gigi, “Is this okay?” she was sure this was no longer a dream.

When Gigi only smiled in response as she closed the gap between them, she didn’t need to ask anymore.

And when Crystal finally plants her lips on the other girl, Gigi knows she doesn’t need to deny anything anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first crygi fanfic! i hope you like it, tell me how you feel in the comments!
> 
> i paid homage to two shows/movie in this work, tell me when you figure out where they are!!
> 
> follow me on twitter at @.polaroidmethyd !!


End file.
